Demeaning Kink 101

Dear Joey,

I recently started seeing a man who is quite a bit older than me but very fun to be around and seems very interested in me as well. We just slept together for the first time and it was as if a switch was flipped. I know that guys can sometimes be aggressive but he was almost demeaning. Beyond his extreme dirty talk of pure insults, he spit on my face in them middle of sex and then tried to convince me to try an act that I do not enjoy doing.

At first I thought he just purely didn't care for me and I felt a bit used, but after, he wanted to cuddle and spend the whole night together. When I told him that I did not approve of being spit on he simply replied that I must be too young and in time I'll like it.

I know that everyone has their fetishes and I try to keep an open mind, but at what point is it just not worth trying to communicate anymore? When is it okay to call someone's kinks just rude behaviour?

- Kinkless

Dear Kinkless,

It sounds to me like you've got a stage 3 spitter on your hands. You've just been enrolled in demeaning kink 101, a "dirty whore" here, a slap and a spit in the face there, maybe a bruise or two in the morning.

The lover you speak of is showing his true colors including all of his freaky twists on the first “sexing.” Showing these sexual behaviors so soon is odd. Most people with sexual habits that “go against the grain” are self conscious and show their true likings later. This could either mean that he’s very confident in the fact that you’ll accept him no matter what he does in bed, or that he doesn’t care about what you think of him or his spitting. All signs point to confidence since he didn’t hesitate to add, “you must be too young, and in time you’ll like it.” If this guy knows anything about human beings, he’d understand that everyone is unique. If you go around doing the same sexy-time routine to every partner, you must get a high success rate. It is absolutely impossible that every girl enjoys this kind of demeaning treatment in the bed, and therefore this guy is over-cocky and assumptive. Both partners are entitled to an equal opinion in the bed. Without this equality, things are bound to go awry both in bed and out.

I suggest that you abstain from communicating to someone that their kinky pleasures are rude. To you they may be rude behaviors, but to others they may be the best route to climax. Unless the behaviors are abusive or are considered paraphilia, they’re not to be judged as abnormal but as another form of sexual expression. But… as I said before, both people should be onboard (otherwise this behavior should be considered abusive) before engaging in these behaviors, or else things may just become AWKWARD!

I’m sorry to say that the fact that he blew off your expression of dislike towards his sexual fancies is not a good sign. Simply put, if you’re not into the whole demeaning being dominated bed-rocking, then let him know. If he doesn’t respect that then he may not be a great candidate for future sexual escapades. Just because he cuddles you afterwards, doesn’t mean he’s a great guy. I’d rather spoon my pillow than have someone take a squat on my dignity.

Love,

Joey