Josef,
I am a highly sexually charged person. I am re-married to a man 9 years younger than me. You'd think that he'd try anything. But, he is very "conservative." He likes the normal stuff… different positions, sometimes anal.. but you know.. just normal sex. Sex with him is not bad but it could be a whole lot better if we incorporate more stuff. It took months before I got him to use sex toys on me. (And, we don't do that often.) There is this one thing, not outrageous, I wanted done to me during sex and he just has a hang up doing it. He doesn't want it done to him. That is fine. But, I want it done to me and he just won't. It has gotten to a point that his hangups bother me. I am sexually adventurous and married to a nice guy who has hangups doing certain things in bed. Do I let him know how important this is to me, but how? Or, do I just have to accept that being married to him, I have to forget about some of my sexual needs.
Thanks,
Magdalena
Magdalena,
Playing out both partners’ desires is a very important part of a healthy relationship. Researcher Deborah Tolman once ascertained that “Sexual desire provides us with potent information, an embodied compass, about ourselves and our relationships.” Sexual desire is in our nature, and if not acted on, can be detrimental to a relationship. As they say in… my book of sayings, “if you don’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will.”
I understand that you value this sexual act, and like anything else in a relationship, if it’s of that much importance to you, it should be listened to compassionately and with an open mind. With that said, as long as the act doesn’t require his arousal and he’s not morally against the act, I don’t see the trouble. The only problem that I can see is that you’re not expressing to your partner how much this act means to you. If the partner truly loves you, which it seems like he does, he’d do anything to make you happy. And as you’ve expressed, this mysterious sex act is majorly desired and is key to your sexual fulfillment.
A very important part of helping him understand how you feel is how you communicate this desire. Men become very sensitive when women talk sex. It seems to me that men are only sexually adventurous when they’re the ones proposing an idea, but as soon as a woman proposes something outside of the man’s sexual sphere the female is looked down upon for having these desires (unless it’s an FFM threesome). Now, to get him to be more open-minded in general, you need to gradually wear him down. In the words of Dane Cook, you need to “Brain Ninja” him. To expand his horizons you‘ll need to break down what you want done and expose him to it little by little. For example, some don’t enjoy performing cunnilingus (eating pussy, muff diving, having a boxed lunch, carpet munching, etc…) but once exposed using other activities around the area (e.g. kissing the inner thigh), there’s a good chance he’ll go down on you. One must remember, men have an exterior image that they want to present, an image of machismo and pride. When a woman begins to think above and beyond their sexual capacity… well, they simply get “butt hurt.”
Magdalena, just make sure to emphasize how much this desire means to you and I’m sure things will end up fine. If he truly wants to make you happy, then he’ll do just about anything… even if it means doing something sexual with a metal pole (preferably cold), deli meat, and the neighbor’s dog. I wish you a pleasurable time and hope that no surprise trips to the ER come from this.
Love,
Joey
Reference: Tolman, D.L. (2000). Object Lessons: Romance, Violation, and Female Adolescent Desire. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 70-79.
I am a highly sexually charged person. I am re-married to a man 9 years younger than me. You'd think that he'd try anything. But, he is very "conservative." He likes the normal stuff… different positions, sometimes anal.. but you know.. just normal sex. Sex with him is not bad but it could be a whole lot better if we incorporate more stuff. It took months before I got him to use sex toys on me. (And, we don't do that often.) There is this one thing, not outrageous, I wanted done to me during sex and he just has a hang up doing it. He doesn't want it done to him. That is fine. But, I want it done to me and he just won't. It has gotten to a point that his hangups bother me. I am sexually adventurous and married to a nice guy who has hangups doing certain things in bed. Do I let him know how important this is to me, but how? Or, do I just have to accept that being married to him, I have to forget about some of my sexual needs.
Thanks,
Magdalena
Magdalena,
Playing out both partners’ desires is a very important part of a healthy relationship. Researcher Deborah Tolman once ascertained that “Sexual desire provides us with potent information, an embodied compass, about ourselves and our relationships.” Sexual desire is in our nature, and if not acted on, can be detrimental to a relationship. As they say in… my book of sayings, “if you don’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will.”
I understand that you value this sexual act, and like anything else in a relationship, if it’s of that much importance to you, it should be listened to compassionately and with an open mind. With that said, as long as the act doesn’t require his arousal and he’s not morally against the act, I don’t see the trouble. The only problem that I can see is that you’re not expressing to your partner how much this act means to you. If the partner truly loves you, which it seems like he does, he’d do anything to make you happy. And as you’ve expressed, this mysterious sex act is majorly desired and is key to your sexual fulfillment.
A very important part of helping him understand how you feel is how you communicate this desire. Men become very sensitive when women talk sex. It seems to me that men are only sexually adventurous when they’re the ones proposing an idea, but as soon as a woman proposes something outside of the man’s sexual sphere the female is looked down upon for having these desires (unless it’s an FFM threesome). Now, to get him to be more open-minded in general, you need to gradually wear him down. In the words of Dane Cook, you need to “Brain Ninja” him. To expand his horizons you‘ll need to break down what you want done and expose him to it little by little. For example, some don’t enjoy performing cunnilingus (eating pussy, muff diving, having a boxed lunch, carpet munching, etc…) but once exposed using other activities around the area (e.g. kissing the inner thigh), there’s a good chance he’ll go down on you. One must remember, men have an exterior image that they want to present, an image of machismo and pride. When a woman begins to think above and beyond their sexual capacity… well, they simply get “butt hurt.”
Magdalena, just make sure to emphasize how much this desire means to you and I’m sure things will end up fine. If he truly wants to make you happy, then he’ll do just about anything… even if it means doing something sexual with a metal pole (preferably cold), deli meat, and the neighbor’s dog. I wish you a pleasurable time and hope that no surprise trips to the ER come from this.
Love,
Joey
Reference: Tolman, D.L. (2000). Object Lessons: Romance, Violation, and Female Adolescent Desire. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 70-79.
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