Rule Him With A Rubber Fist!

Josef,

I am a highly sexually charged person. I am re-married to a man 9 years younger than me. You'd think that he'd try anything. But, he is very "conservative." He likes the normal stuff… different positions, sometimes anal.. but you know.. just normal sex. Sex with him is not bad but it could be a whole lot better if we incorporate more stuff. It took months before I got him to use sex toys on me. (And, we don't do that often.) There is this one thing, not outrageous, I wanted done to me during sex and he just has a hang up doing it. He doesn't want it done to him. That is fine. But, I want it done to me and he just won't. It has gotten to a point that his hangups bother me. I am sexually adventurous and married to a nice guy who has hangups doing certain things in bed. Do I let him know how important this is to me, but how? Or, do I just have to accept that being married to him, I have to forget about some of my sexual needs.

Thanks,

Magdalena


Magdalena,

Playing out both partners’ desires is a very important part of a healthy relationship. Researcher Deborah Tolman once ascertained that “Sexual desire provides us with potent information, an embodied compass, about ourselves and our relationships.” Sexual desire is in our nature, and if not acted on, can be detrimental to a relationship. As they say in… my book of sayings, “if you don’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will.”

I understand that you value this sexual act, and like anything else in a relationship, if it’s of that much importance to you, it should be listened to compassionately and with an open mind. With that said, as long as the act doesn’t require his arousal and he’s not morally against the act, I don’t see the trouble. The only problem that I can see is that you’re not expressing to your partner how much this act means to you. If the partner truly loves you, which it seems like he does, he’d do anything to make you happy. And as you’ve expressed, this mysterious sex act is majorly desired and is key to your sexual fulfillment.

A very important part of helping him understand how you feel is how you communicate this desire. Men become very sensitive when women talk sex. It seems to me that men are only sexually adventurous when they’re the ones proposing an idea, but as soon as a woman proposes something outside of the man’s sexual sphere the female is looked down upon for having these desires (unless it’s an FFM threesome). Now, to get him to be more open-minded in general, you need to gradually wear him down. In the words of Dane Cook, you need to “Brain Ninja” him. To expand his horizons you‘ll need to break down what you want done and expose him to it little by little. For example, some don’t enjoy performing cunnilingus (eating pussy, muff diving, having a boxed lunch, carpet munching, etc…) but once exposed using other activities around the area (e.g. kissing the inner thigh), there’s a good chance he’ll go down on you. One must remember, men have an exterior image that they want to present, an image of machismo and pride. When a woman begins to think above and beyond their sexual capacity… well, they simply get “butt hurt.”

Magdalena, just make sure to emphasize how much this desire means to you and I’m sure things will end up fine. If he truly wants to make you happy, then he’ll do just about anything… even if it means doing something sexual with a metal pole (preferably cold), deli meat, and the neighbor’s dog. I wish you a pleasurable time and hope that no surprise trips to the ER come from this.

Love,

Joey

Reference: Tolman, D.L. (2000). Object Lessons: Romance, Violation, and Female Adolescent Desire. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 70-79.

The NoOrgasm Series: Part IV

Dear Joey,

I've also been told t try anal (but only my guys of course) and the guy that did tell me to do it also told me that his girlfriend went to the bathroom differently after. I'm just really nervous. I hear all these things about how only slutty girls have anal or you have to be in a committed relationship to have it. I'm just so lost. I guess I just want to know if you got any tricks for the bedroom? I'm also not very into oral sex. Not because I'm prudish but because I'm nervous I'm bad at it. I try watching porn for ideas but I don't know if I can trust porn because, well, it's porn! Any tips there?
Thanks,

NoOrgasm Here

NoOrgasm Here,

When someone tells me that they don’t like performing oral sex, I usually attribute it to a lack of confidence in their performance skills. There’s nothing wrong with learning the ropes through experimentation. What I said regarding the importance of communication applies outside and inside the bedroom. Ask your partner/s what they like, I’m sure they’d gladly help you out. Don’t think that you’re innately meant to be a sexual encyclopedia. Once you begin to learn from your partner/s advice, you’ll begin to build a library of techniques, and in turn, gain confidence.

Porn is simply a reflection of the fantasies of the modern man, or even woman (although many feminists tend to disagree). As society creates porn, porn also forms societal views. All things in porn are already being done in society, but aren't quite considered "normal." As I said before, don't let social stigmas bog you down, because if you do... well, you'll just get really good at missionary position. Gradually, sex is becoming more and more palpable to the public, and therefore, these acts are slowly becoming more acceptable. Anyway, most guys masturbate to porn, so there’s nothing wrong with watching it to pick up some moves.
As for anal sex, the same advice goes. Don’t let what other people think hold you back. If this is what you’d like to try, who’s to stop you, just make sure to read up on how to have safe anal sex before making an attempt. Anal sex can be a very intense and pleasurable experience for both partners. For this reason, I propose that it should be kept between you and someone you trust (I’ll let you define that).

In the bedroom, it simply seems to me that you put too much weight on societal values. Attempt to lose views which have been implanted and learn things for yourself. Don’t miss out on something (that may end up giving you an award-winning orgasm) just because someone, once upon a time, told you it’s wrong. Now, go and explore with your new-found knowledge!
Love,

Joey

The NoOrgasm Series: Part III

Now, on to the other stuff. I'm not very sexually experienced. Don't get me wrong I've had sex but I don't orgasm. I like when I first start off having sex but then it's like I get tired or bored and I'm just not into it anymore.

On to the good stuff…. NoOrgasm, personally, I find the fact that you deemed the other half of your questions as "inappropriate," to be inappropriate. In the world of sex, nothing's inappropriate (correction, except for paraphilias). The worst place to fear what others think of you is in the bedroom! In my opinion, it's usually the people who shun these activities that want them most... except for maybe grandparents. Sorry about the image, but anyway...
In regard to your lack of "orgasm skills", the best piece of advice I could give is to MASTURBATE. How is your partner supposed to know what gets you off when you don't know yourself?

As for boredom in the bedroom, maybe try to extend foreplay. Figure out some techniques that he/she can do that will peak your arousal before engaging in intercourse. These techniques can range from simple kissing of the erogenous zones to… well, to other things. If you’re not very turned on, I can imagine sex becoming a bore.
Love,

Joey