Getting on your 'O' Face

Dear Josef,

I have a major dilemma on my hands/ nether region. Although, I have been sexually active for 3 years, I have never once experienced the infamous O. Going from several serious relationships, sex was abundant, but each time I seemed to be waiting for it to be "amazing".
Recently, I have begun dating a great guy, and we have satisfactory sex. but not "amazing" sex. I just want to express to him how much he means to me through an orgasm that I am not faking. I am desperate. Seriously. What the hell should I do/ change about my sexual experiences?
NormaNogasm

Dear NormaNogasm,

Once upon a time, the female orgasm was considered rare, mythical, and very hard to achieve. Thanks to studies and data collected by some of my favorite researchers, Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Shere Hite, etc., the orgasm is no longer a unicorn in our sexual bubble.

It needs to be understood that an orgasm for women is not an automatic process as it is for men. A woman is as much a part of her climax as her partner is. It’s almost as if the female orgasm has to be learned.

With that said, here are three potential reasons why you’re not getting your “O” face on:

-He/she doesn’t know what to do and needs to be educated (by you).

Don’t be too coy about talking during sex, tell your partner what feels good! “Go up… wait, down a little! Too fast. Take it easy, it’s sensitive! That’s not my vagina!” Remember that your partner can’t feel what you’re feeling.

-You don’t know what to do and need to educate yourself.

Ladies, it’s ok to touch yourselves! Flicking your bean doesn’t make you any less classy. Give a guy a box of tissues and some lotion and he won’t leave his room all day. If you can’t make your self cum, then how can you expect your partner to? Explore your own body and discover what you like. Try your fingers, try toys, the showerhead… whatever makes your legs shake and your toes curl. Remember, some women can have multiple orgasms while some are one and done. More importantly, remember that some can orgasm from clitoral stimulation, some from internal, and the lucky ones from both. Make Madonna proud and diddle your tickler. It’s not right to assume that your partner will come into the bedroom with his sexual procedure booklet. Even if a book like that existed, it needs to be understood that everyone’s different under the hood.

-You’re too stressed or are not in the mindset to orgasm (lack of focus/other things in mind).

I don’t want to sound like your yoga instructor, but, seriously, try to clear your mind. Focus on the head in between your legs rather than the garbage that needs taken out. Give your partner and yourself your undivided attention. Learning to focus at how far along you are in your climax takes practice, and that’s where the masturbation comes in.

Fun Fact: Achieving an orgasm may be easier during a certain part of a female's menstrual cycle.

On a separate note, the worst thing that you could do is fake an orgasm. If you wrongly lead your partner to believe that they’re finishing you off, how will they know that you’re unsatisfied? It’s understandable that you want to make your partner feel good about himself rather than make him feel incompetent, but he needs to know that something is amiss. These one-sided connections can traumatize a relationship both inside and out of the bedroom. Faking an orgasm is simply counterproductive.

In conclusion, LEARN YOUR ORGASM! Then, share the knowledge.

Love,

Joey

"Pick Up the Stick! Don't Pick Up the Stick!"

Dear Josef

I'm writing to you mainly because I want an outsider guy's perspective. I have recently turned 19 years old and I am still a proud owner of my V-card. While I am not embarrassed about this, I do want to be in a sexual relationship but there is one thing I am very afraid of. I have dated boys in the past but I have never given a blow-job, the elusive penis freaks me out a bit. While guys have been very understanding about my standoffishness, and I enjoy being pleasured by them, I cannot go the next step. When I have spoken to my girls about my trepidation they usually respond with a unanimous agreement that I should "just watch porn". While porn never really turned me on and I am uncomfortable watching it, I want to get over my fear and get out there. There is a boy in particular that I am interested in and even though I am comfortable with him, his penis--like all others--is bringing a halt to our mutual sexual satisfaction. I guess my biggest fear is of failure, I know that I am attracted to guys and i do want to be with them, but I am really apprehensive because I am afraid I will screw up and disappoint my partner. Everybody says that if it's with the right person all of that doesn't matter or that I just need to practice but I can't seem to get to a phase where I am ready to approach a penis. I just think of all the bad things that might happen, like what if I sneeze in the middle? I don't think it's quite a phobia, but how can I be eased into the situation and above all, enjoy myself while I'm at it?

--Virgin McFearsome

Dear Virgin McFearsome,

I’m sorry to hear about your Phallaphobia. Normally, I would say that the root of penile sexual anxiety is due to sexual trauma or hidden homosexual feelings, but I think that your case is simply caused by a lack of confidence. So, I won’t say that you’re the product of a touchy uncle or a closet lezzy off the cuff. Instead, here are some helpful tips that may help you come closer to the male genitalia.

I think it would be best to start your oral adventure by reading an excerpt from a recent article I wrote called the “NoOrgasm Series”. In this article, I stated,

“When someone tells me that they don’t like performing oral sex, I usually attribute it to a lack of confidence in their performance skills. There’s nothing wrong with learning the ropes through experimentation. What I said regarding the importance of communication applies outside and inside the bedroom. Ask your partner/s what they like, I’m sure they’d gladly help you out. Don’t think that you’re innately meant to be a sexual encyclopedia. Once you begin to learn from your partner/s advice, you’ll begin to build a library of techniques, and in turn, gain confidence.”
Playing with someone else’s genitals may not always be the most appealing activity, but sometimes people will do just about anything to keep the other person happy. Remember, he may be apprehensive about what you’re hiding in between your legs too--not to make you feel more self-conscious than you already are. If he can handle the bear trap/bearded clam in your pants, you should be able to handle the one-eyed trouser snake in his.

Becoming confident in matters of the bedroom takes experience. You should probably attempt a blowjob on someone that you have feelings for and have established a healthy comfort level with (ideally a consistent partner). Just keep in mind, you’re not meant to be a pro you’re very first time. After all, you’re still an oral virgin. Every person is different; you may be able to get one person off with a sexy mouthful smile and a wink of the eye, whereas another person may give you lockjaw.

Hop in bed with someone you feel comfortable, and let him guide you. If you sneeze or gag and throw up, then at least the person will be less likely to judge you. Heck, if he helps you clean up then you know he’s a keeper. Don't forget, even the best porn stars had to start somewhere before hitting the big leagues.

Love,

Joey

Man-ifest Destiny

Joey,

I dated a girl for about 2 years. After awhile I fell out of the relationship and broke it off with her. It was a little messy. We stopped speaking for a few months and I started realizing what I had given away. So I called and let her know how I felt and knew I would have to work on it. She was hesitant at first then receptive since she never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. So we were getting back into things sex and the whole 9, a few weeks pass and things are going smoothly. Her birthday comes we spend the night together with friends have some great sex. She drops me off the next morning I call her in the afternoon to wish her a good evening as she was returning to school and a guy picks up and tells me Im pathetic and stop talking to his girl. I told him she blew me last night so enjoy the taste of my dick. Needless to say I didn't want anything to do with her and she didnt acknowledge anything for a week. She finally gets back to me apologizes 1 million times wants me back everything. I told her I was moving West from the East Coast, which her deceit helped me to decide, she cries, etc. I move West, she finds a job and follows a few months later, and wants to work things out. Does she deserve the chance? She broke my heart though.

Blumpkin


Dear Blumpkin,

I usually steer away from general yet heavy questions, but I've decided to give your general question a general answer. The reason for this is that, I simply don't know enough details about the type of love you had with this women and the amount of worth this love has to you. What I will do, is give you the tools to view the situation clearly.

Many times, when faced with a dilemma like this, the best thing to do is to remove your emotions and think logically (as us men do best), and to strip the situation down without letting your heart overwhelm your smarts.

If you do look at the situation in this way, you basically have two simple options: give her another chance (because mistakes aside, you want her and she wants you) or open yourself up to the infinite world of women around you. Here is the major dilemma....

If you do decide to pass off this woman who broke your heart, you may not be able to get her back. If you never get her back, you may wonder what could have been for a long while. Maybe give her another chance, as she gave you after the messy break up. The only thing it would hurt is your pride, and who knows, she may tend to your broken heart the second time around.
It sounds to me that something special was had. You’ve already made the “mistake” of leaving her once. If it doesn't work out, then on to the next lover. Life is short, look at your options as they are and don't ruminate too much. Plus, it could be destiny… just kidding (or am I?).
Love,

Joey

Like a Tiny Violin

Dear Joey,

Very recently I was told by a female that sucking nipples does nothing for them. From what I had understood from previous encounters, friends, and from other places was that the nipple is sensitive to touch. Is this correct or no?
love,

blue balls

Dear Blue Balls,

I wouldn’t listen to anything this particular female has to say. As a matter of fact, I’d send her a link to this article, then verbally smack her in her insensitive breasticles.

On to the good stuff. Some experts say that the nipples and breasts are one of the hottest erogenous zones, second only to the genitalia. Nipples can also be a lot of fun for both partners, especially if you have “restless hand syndrome,” like myself. Although playing with them may be entertaining and a good way to pass time, not everyone enjoys a tiny nipple violin concert.

Just like in most things foreplay, everyone is unique. For some, a flick of the nipple may cause them to do the “cream-the-pants dance,” for others, a look of boredom. In a study conducted by Levin & Meston (2006), 301 sexually-experienced undergraduate university students (148 men; 153 women) were surveyed regarding nipple/breast sensitivity and arousal. Results showed that 82% of women and 52% of men found breast/nipple manipulation to cause or enhance their sexual arousal (take that, assumptive female friend).

Another variable that may decrease nipple sensitivity is how far along a female is in her menstrual cycle. According to Columbia University’s “Go Ask Alice,” the nipples are less sensitive during the first two weeks of the menstrual cycle, heightened in sensitivity during ovulation, and less sensative again during menstruation. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should ask your partner how far along they are in their cycle, but don’t be afraid to test the waters manually or orally.
In short, a majority of men and women find nip-play arousing, meaning, go into the game with guns slinging for the chest. If there’s not much of a reaction, move your emphasis to other erogenous zones.
Love,

Joey



References:

Go Ask Alice! http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/6080.html

Levin, R., Meston, C. (2006). Nipple/breast stimulation and sexual arousal in young men and women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 3(3), 450-454.

Selling the Cow

Josef,

So I need third party male advice on a situation. I was dating a guy
for 9 months and things were fairly serious, he even asked me to move
with him. The sex was amazingggg to say the very least. He was into
anal, which I wasn't as much but would every now and then to keep him
happy. But other than that we were very much on the same page about
what we liked, the rough the better. And I was also very good to him
about surprising him with fantasies and a costumes every now and then
and holidays. However, like most relationships it eventually come to
an end for no real reason that he could explain and was pretty abrupt.
I stopped talking to him for a few weeks then booty called him when I
was drinking a few weeks later. Since then we have been hooking up
almost every time i become intoxicated. And some how the sex managed
to get even better now that we are broken up. It's hard though because
I obviously still have strong feelings for me and he says he does too,
just can't handle a relationship now. As much pain and relapse seeing
him gives me, I think it's almost worth it because the sex is amazing
and its better then going home with a random from the bar. But i also
don't want my ex to see me as just a vagina he can have whenever he
wants, because "why buy the cow when the milk is free". But i also
think that if i keep hooking up with him I at least know he isn't
sleeping with anyone else (or so he tells me), and i also think maybe
there will be a chance he will realize what he lost. So should I keep
seeing him or let the past be the past?
Thanks,
The Anal Astronaut


Dear Anal Astronaut,

Ex-lovers are always a hump to get over. If there’s “love” involved, things will most likely get messy. Brace yourself for a “messy” answer.

Did you ever stop to think of giving him sex as your subconscious way of keeping him in your life? Kick the habit and move on. To tell you the truth, I think you put it best with, "why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Keeping things you can't have around is never healthy. If he wants you he'll be there and he'll be ready to commit...UNLESS you enjoy the booty calls. If that is the case, then fine. The sex has become better because it's more invigorating when there's some kind of guilt involved. Either that, or one of you has learned some new moves.

Also, sex does tend to be better with someone you trust and are familiar with. Keep in mind that when good sex is involved, so is attachment, whether you like it or not.

In conclusion, cut things off and move on. I know it may not be the easiest thing to do, it’s not worth hurting yourself by ruminating on the past. This doesn’t mean throw away all of your old loving memories, it simply means distance yourself so you can regain independence and reassemble yourself. Also remember, the best way to get over an old fling is with a new one (this doesn’t mean to engage in risky one night stands/ “slut it up”). Never forget, there’s always better out there, and therefore, always hope.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re a good fisherwoman… steer your boat away from the old and let the fishing hooks fly.
Love,

Joey

New Contact Procedure

Hello Readers,
I'm happy to announce that you can now send in your questions through the contact button the right-hand side. This new "contact" button should make life easier for all of us. Instead of creating anonymous e-mail accounts you can now simply send in questions with anonymous user names through the site itself. I look forward to your questions!
Love,
Joey

Demeaning Kink 101

Dear Joey,

I recently started seeing a man who is quite a bit older than me but very fun to be around and seems very interested in me as well. We just slept together for the first time and it was as if a switch was flipped. I know that guys can sometimes be aggressive but he was almost demeaning. Beyond his extreme dirty talk of pure insults, he spit on my face in them middle of sex and then tried to convince me to try an act that I do not enjoy doing.

At first I thought he just purely didn't care for me and I felt a bit used, but after, he wanted to cuddle and spend the whole night together. When I told him that I did not approve of being spit on he simply replied that I must be too young and in time I'll like it.

I know that everyone has their fetishes and I try to keep an open mind, but at what point is it just not worth trying to communicate anymore? When is it okay to call someone's kinks just rude behaviour?

- Kinkless

Dear Kinkless,

It sounds to me like you've got a stage 3 spitter on your hands. You've just been enrolled in demeaning kink 101, a "dirty whore" here, a slap and a spit in the face there, maybe a bruise or two in the morning.

The lover you speak of is showing his true colors including all of his freaky twists on the first “sexing.” Showing these sexual behaviors so soon is odd. Most people with sexual habits that “go against the grain” are self conscious and show their true likings later. This could either mean that he’s very confident in the fact that you’ll accept him no matter what he does in bed, or that he doesn’t care about what you think of him or his spitting. All signs point to confidence since he didn’t hesitate to add, “you must be too young, and in time you’ll like it.” If this guy knows anything about human beings, he’d understand that everyone is unique. If you go around doing the same sexy-time routine to every partner, you must get a high success rate. It is absolutely impossible that every girl enjoys this kind of demeaning treatment in the bed, and therefore this guy is over-cocky and assumptive. Both partners are entitled to an equal opinion in the bed. Without this equality, things are bound to go awry both in bed and out.

I suggest that you abstain from communicating to someone that their kinky pleasures are rude. To you they may be rude behaviors, but to others they may be the best route to climax. Unless the behaviors are abusive or are considered paraphilia, they’re not to be judged as abnormal but as another form of sexual expression. But… as I said before, both people should be onboard (otherwise this behavior should be considered abusive) before engaging in these behaviors, or else things may just become AWKWARD!

I’m sorry to say that the fact that he blew off your expression of dislike towards his sexual fancies is not a good sign. Simply put, if you’re not into the whole demeaning being dominated bed-rocking, then let him know. If he doesn’t respect that then he may not be a great candidate for future sexual escapades. Just because he cuddles you afterwards, doesn’t mean he’s a great guy. I’d rather spoon my pillow than have someone take a squat on my dignity.

Love,

Joey