The NoOrgasm Series: Part II

Joey,

My friends keep telling me to get a toy for myself but I also hear that doing that can ruin sex for a girl (not that it can get much worse for me).

NoOrgasm Here

A sex toy is fine to use. Although i'm no medical doctor, I do know that vibrators do not cause desensitization of the clitorous or vagina. In fact, they may even improve the quality of an orgasm. Hell, a big vibrating dong may even give you your first orgasm. They're also great for adding spice to a boring sexual routine. The only damage I can think of that's caused by a sex toy is not to your vagina or anus, but to your partners ego. If your partner reacts to the idea with a whiny voice, just repeat the words of Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principals of Total Body Sex, "even the best carpenters use power tools."
Love,

Joey

The NoOrgasm Series: Part I

Hi Joey,

I have a few questions. Some of them are typical girly questions and others are kind of inappropriate. I hope you don't mind. I guess I should get the boring stuff out of the way first. So, as every girl's sentence starts off, there's this guy. We've been friends for a long time and we dated for a bit awhile back. Then came summertime and we mutually called it quits, not really sure why. But he ended up moving on fairly easily to a long-term girlfriend while I couldn't seem to find anyone I thought was worthy (not too sound cocky). Everything comes back to this guy for me and I'm starting to think it's stupid and pathetic on my part. He and his girlfriend broke up and we talk all the time and have hooked up once since. When we talk it's awesome but more times than not I get the feeling it's one way in the romantic sense. I'm at school in LA and he's in school like 6 hours away. Do you think it's unhealthy for me to be pining over this guy? There's no way I can tell him that I still like him because I feel pretty pathetic thinking it in my head; there's no way I can say it to him.

Dearest NoOrgasm,

First off, there's no such thing as a "girl question." Guys ask questions like this... they just might not write into an advice column about it because of their social schema.

The best and most simple response I could give you is exactly what you don't want to hear. You need to communicate! Tell him how you feel, but have fun with it. It doesn't have to be through a text message or by popping out naked from a birthday cake, but it should still be communicated somehow. If you're hesitant about telling him how you feel now, what makes you think that you’ll be able to communicate if you do get together? I cannot stress enough how vital communication is to a relationship. As for the unhealthiness of your ruminating, the only problems I see is that you’re basically putting yourself in limbo. Who wants to sit in a waiting room for a long period of time? I know I don’t. Worse comes to worse, the feelings won’t be mutual and you’ll find some closure. If things do work out, then you have yourself a prized relationship. Just remember, time won’t stand still and wait for you to gather the guts to talk to him about how you feel. So let go of you inhibitions because there’s nothing wrong with a female sparking the match to a relationship. Also, just because you’re working things out with this one person doesn’t mean you can’t look for other experiences or relationships. Keep yourself open.
Love,
Joey

All the Single Ladies (and Skeezy Ball Females Too), Listen Up!

Joey,

I'm the kind of female that really enjoys courting and getting to know the men that I'm dating before the sex factor creeps in. However it seems like nowadays, sex has become a prerequisite for the 2nd or 3rd date. I've read that deep within their subconscious, "honorable" men really do respect a female who makes them work for "it". So I'm just wondering, do guys really respect a female that tastefully (not teasefully) withholds sex during the "getting to know you," "courting" phase of dating, or do they simply come to resent them? Why is the sex factor now dominating whether there's going be a next step in a relationship instead of the other more important factors? Help.

Kat

Dearest Kat,

Here is my reply: not only to you, but to the other dozen of women who have asked me “how long do I withhold sex?” First of all, when speaking of sex, please don’t make it sound like a commodity. Yes, you can give and withhold it, control it, and in turn, feel like you have control over your potential partner. But is it right to withhold it without expecting a reaction of disappointment?

Before discussing sex, please let me define the word first. Sex has MULTIPLE meanings. It can range from actual penetration to harmless rubbing up against strangers on a bus until orgasm. For me, sex usually involves orgasm.

I understand that it’s hard to draw the line between tastefully withholding sex and raunchily giving it up. Don't hand out sex as if you're a Pez dispenser.

Whatever you do ladies, do not lead him on! If you don’t want to get sexual, don’t put yourself in a situation where sex is expected. Meaning, going into a bedroom with him alone, basically translates into “I want trouble… the good kind.” If you just want to make out, keep it outside of the bedroom! I understand that you just want to cuddle, but simply put, cuddling is the product of an orgasm. You give, and you shall receive.

Just like the extinct Barbary Lion of North Africa, guys enjoy the chase. But after a certain amount of over exertion, they just give up and masturbate instead. An example of when someone will wait for sex is when you’re his/her first love. This, of course, means penis-vaginal intercourse. A man walking around with a loaded gun is just unsafe, and is also more likely to run away from you when turned down, or to get desperate and say/do stupid things to get his way. Remember that you can have sex without intercourse.

Listen up… withhold sex as long as you feel is suitable, but don’t keep him/her waiting for the sake of waiting. Remember, it takes two to tango and if the guy gets discouraged he may not come back. If the chemistry is there, and not alcohol induced, and the intended lover has proven themselves to be somewhat of a love interest, then go for it! Let your inhibitions go and have a good time.

In conclusion, every situation is different and should be tailored to the individual partner. I can’t give you a definite answer, but there are basic rules that you probably should follow in order to keep the guy on the hook (i.e. keeping it out of the bedroom). Follow my advice and all will be well.
Love,

Joey

Crackin' Wise and Breakin' Flys

Dearest Josef,

I feel like I have had the worst experience with guys…and I am not sure if this is my or their fault. After all I have been thru I just can’t trust them …….three weeks ago I met this guy at my friends place. he seemed to be really nice and we exchanged numbers. The next day he called me and invited me and my friends to his place for movies. We talked a lot and had fun and the next day he asked me to come over again. I went home and two days later I saw him at a party (during this time he called and messaged me every day). At the party he changed totally, he called me out he said that I am prude and if I have ever seen a dick? I just ignored him and talked to other guys. Two days later he called me and said that he was sorry and he didn’t mean to hurt me, he was just trying to provoke me and was hoping for another reaction. So everything was fine … kind of… then we met at another party we danced together and end up being at my friend’s place we kissed and made out till he opened up his pants and asked me for a blowjob. I walked away from him and he followed me into the living room where my friends were and complained in front of them that I am so boring that I didn’t even want to give him head. Since I broke up with my ex there is not much more you need to say to hurt my feelings and obviously I started to cry. One hour later he called to say he is sorry but I said I don’t want to talk with him anymore. Since then he has not even called messaged or whatever but I know I will see him a lot since we have the same friends. So here are my questions:
Is it so wrong that I want to know a guy better before we get intimate? How should I act around him? Should I contact him?

Bruna

Bruna,

To you, it may not be wrong to want to get to know a guy, but to the guy's agenda it may be. There's something you need to understand about guys, ultimately they want sex. They'll push and push and hurt feelings and break hearts until they get what they want. Sounds to me like this guy doesn't know how to play the game and went for the guilt approach to getting ass. The problem is, he's not subtle and chose to embarass you. Therefore, you should have kicked him to the curb as soon as he started the whole public embarrassment sitch. The important thing is, that you need to communicate to jerks like this, "You're not getting you know what until I know you first." You don't exactly have to say it in these words. Actually, it would probably be preferable to sugar coat it with feminine mystery and false naiveté. But as soon as he starts embarrassing you in public, he is degrading you and is essentially trying to make you feel bad for not whoring yourself.

It is absolutely fine to want to get to know a guy before getting intimate. Actually, it’s preferable and safer. Believe it or not, getting to know someone may add to the intimacy and pleasure of sex.

Personally, I don’t think things will be awkward between the two of you. He knows he made a mistake, and you now know that he’s not the kind of person you’re looking for. The fact that he embarrassed you twice in front of a group of people in regards to something very personal, means that he won’t hesitate to embarrass you about something else. Behaviors like this usually overlap into other social situations.

Normally, I would say it’s completely fine to contact a guy. But it seems to me that this guy is a walking bag o’ tools and doesn’t deserve whatever you have to offer.
Love,

~Joey

Long Distance Relationships~The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY

Dear Josef,
My boyfriend is moving away for an unknown amount of time. I just wanted to know if you thought a long distance relationship would be a good idea. I really love him and would like to put the time and effort into giving it a try.
Please Help!
Honeygurl


Honeygurl,
Normally, I would say that there are a lot of other variables (time, distance) that need to be taken into account, but since I don't know too much about you and your partner personally I can't give you a customized answer. What I can do is give you my shpiel on long distance relationships in general. Brace yourself.

When it comes to long distance relationships I simply throw my hands in the air. It takes a certain type of person to be able to withstand the hardships that come along with long distance relationships and to find two of them together is like finding a man that would gladly pluck your eyebrows with a thread... straighten your hair... give you a French manicure... and isn't gay. It's just a rare breed.

Long distance relationships are a whole different beast. Things start off just fine with "I miss you" and "can't wait to see you" and "how was your day?" But they soon take a turn for the worse because there's only so many times you can say things like "I miss you" over and over again without some sort of new romantic stimulation aside from the cold plastic of the phone on your cheek. When there's nothing left to say and people want to re-spark their long distance relationship, they do one of two things:

A. Phone Sex/Webcam sex

B. FIGHT

First it's usually the electro-sex, then comes the fighting. Sadly, the fighting is usually out of sheer boredom and it hurts. When two people have an argument in a closed distance relationship they can usually find a resolution between the sheets. The best way to end a good fight is with a good fuck. Whereas, in a long distance relationship, all of the pent up aggression and stress has no outlet. If you’re anything like me, this usually leads to a search for another outlet, masturbation. And there’s only so much that someone can masturbate without befriending a tub of ice cream then drowning themselves in it.

Another issue with long distance relationship is mistrust. A lack of trust in your partner, as well as a lack of trust in yourself. Suspicion usually arises at some point when your partner doesn't pick up the phone, or the call goes straight to voicemail. Also, just because you're in a relationship, attractive people don't dissappear, and the temptation will be even greater when your partner's away. It is stereotyped that woman take longer to get lonely than a man, but it really depends on the individual. Instinctively, after being in a relationship for a long amount of time, you’ll be over-conditioned with cuddly nights. Suddenly, when you're all alone and faced with no outlet but the phone, the heart goes into shock and you end up cuddling/spooning your pillow or bringing someone else home.

When you get into this type of relationship you are taking these risks.

Honeygurl, I have introduced you to the dark side of long distance relationships… now for the lighter side. Although things may get tough between you and your partner and challenges may arise, there may still be hope. To paraphrase Nietzsche, what doesn’t break your relationship will only make it stronger. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you can get to it without the tunnel collapsing on you first. In other words, if things remain stable while your partner is away and eventually the two of you do end up in the same location, your relationship will be stronger than ever. All of the “I miss you’s” and “wish you were here’s” will have been worth it and will come to a conclusion with a joyous reunion. If you can withstand being apart for a prolonged amount of time and still keep the flame alive and strong, then I congratulate and solute you.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck.
Love,
~Joey

Anywhere You Go, I'll Follow... or Not

Hi Josef,
I just saw your blog and just had a question about relationships. I have been seeing this amazing man for about a year and he just moved to the States suddenly for a job. We still really like each other but neither of us wants to do long distance. On top of that he is about 7 years older than me and I don't know how big of an issue that is. I dont have many people to talk about this with and I just wanted to know your opinion.
Thanks so much,

BeachBabe

Dearest BeachBabe,
The only answer that I can think of (without a long distance relationship) is that one of you has to make a major life decision, meaning, one of you has to follow the other to keep the relationship alive. It’s either that or say goodbye and hope that you’re destined to be together and that you’ll find one another again some day.

Sadly, things don’t usually work that way. It’s either one of you risks their comfy life for the other or things may have to come to an end. It’s hard to say if it’s worth following your partner. A year, in my opinion, is not long enough of a relationship to throw away your own goals and security to chase someone else’s dreams. One can even say, if he is so in love with you, why doesn’t he find a job closer to you? In basic and harsher terms, his own goals are more important than your relationship… which is understandable. A year long relationship is a relatively short amount of time to say “hey, I’m gonna put aside my dreams and ambitions for this person.” This goes for both of you, whether he decides to stay or you decide to make the move.

Your situation is a tough one because a year is a short amount of time to distinguish what the relationship is worth. You also mentioned an age difference so there may be a difference in age-oriented agenda. I also don’t know enough detail about your relationship or your lifestyles. What I do know is that IF the relationship is important enough, then one of you will make the sacrifice/adjustment to be with the other.
Love,
~Joey

Welcome

Hello, and welcome to my blog. The purpose of this blog is to answer any questions you, the readers, may have regarding relationships and sexuality. Readers may feel free to send in questions to my e-mail: josef.assouline@gmail.com
Questions will be answered as objectively as possible.
Along with your question, please give yourself a NICKNAME so that all those who decide to send in their questions will remain anonymous.
Love,
Joey