Getting on your 'O' Face

Dear Josef,

I have a major dilemma on my hands/ nether region. Although, I have been sexually active for 3 years, I have never once experienced the infamous O. Going from several serious relationships, sex was abundant, but each time I seemed to be waiting for it to be "amazing".
Recently, I have begun dating a great guy, and we have satisfactory sex. but not "amazing" sex. I just want to express to him how much he means to me through an orgasm that I am not faking. I am desperate. Seriously. What the hell should I do/ change about my sexual experiences?
NormaNogasm

Dear NormaNogasm,

Once upon a time, the female orgasm was considered rare, mythical, and very hard to achieve. Thanks to studies and data collected by some of my favorite researchers, Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Shere Hite, etc., the orgasm is no longer a unicorn in our sexual bubble.

It needs to be understood that an orgasm for women is not an automatic process as it is for men. A woman is as much a part of her climax as her partner is. It’s almost as if the female orgasm has to be learned.

With that said, here are three potential reasons why you’re not getting your “O” face on:

-He/she doesn’t know what to do and needs to be educated (by you).

Don’t be too coy about talking during sex, tell your partner what feels good! “Go up… wait, down a little! Too fast. Take it easy, it’s sensitive! That’s not my vagina!” Remember that your partner can’t feel what you’re feeling.

-You don’t know what to do and need to educate yourself.

Ladies, it’s ok to touch yourselves! Flicking your bean doesn’t make you any less classy. Give a guy a box of tissues and some lotion and he won’t leave his room all day. If you can’t make your self cum, then how can you expect your partner to? Explore your own body and discover what you like. Try your fingers, try toys, the showerhead… whatever makes your legs shake and your toes curl. Remember, some women can have multiple orgasms while some are one and done. More importantly, remember that some can orgasm from clitoral stimulation, some from internal, and the lucky ones from both. Make Madonna proud and diddle your tickler. It’s not right to assume that your partner will come into the bedroom with his sexual procedure booklet. Even if a book like that existed, it needs to be understood that everyone’s different under the hood.

-You’re too stressed or are not in the mindset to orgasm (lack of focus/other things in mind).

I don’t want to sound like your yoga instructor, but, seriously, try to clear your mind. Focus on the head in between your legs rather than the garbage that needs taken out. Give your partner and yourself your undivided attention. Learning to focus at how far along you are in your climax takes practice, and that’s where the masturbation comes in.

Fun Fact: Achieving an orgasm may be easier during a certain part of a female's menstrual cycle.

On a separate note, the worst thing that you could do is fake an orgasm. If you wrongly lead your partner to believe that they’re finishing you off, how will they know that you’re unsatisfied? It’s understandable that you want to make your partner feel good about himself rather than make him feel incompetent, but he needs to know that something is amiss. These one-sided connections can traumatize a relationship both inside and out of the bedroom. Faking an orgasm is simply counterproductive.

In conclusion, LEARN YOUR ORGASM! Then, share the knowledge.

Love,

Joey

"Pick Up the Stick! Don't Pick Up the Stick!"

Dear Josef

I'm writing to you mainly because I want an outsider guy's perspective. I have recently turned 19 years old and I am still a proud owner of my V-card. While I am not embarrassed about this, I do want to be in a sexual relationship but there is one thing I am very afraid of. I have dated boys in the past but I have never given a blow-job, the elusive penis freaks me out a bit. While guys have been very understanding about my standoffishness, and I enjoy being pleasured by them, I cannot go the next step. When I have spoken to my girls about my trepidation they usually respond with a unanimous agreement that I should "just watch porn". While porn never really turned me on and I am uncomfortable watching it, I want to get over my fear and get out there. There is a boy in particular that I am interested in and even though I am comfortable with him, his penis--like all others--is bringing a halt to our mutual sexual satisfaction. I guess my biggest fear is of failure, I know that I am attracted to guys and i do want to be with them, but I am really apprehensive because I am afraid I will screw up and disappoint my partner. Everybody says that if it's with the right person all of that doesn't matter or that I just need to practice but I can't seem to get to a phase where I am ready to approach a penis. I just think of all the bad things that might happen, like what if I sneeze in the middle? I don't think it's quite a phobia, but how can I be eased into the situation and above all, enjoy myself while I'm at it?

--Virgin McFearsome

Dear Virgin McFearsome,

I’m sorry to hear about your Phallaphobia. Normally, I would say that the root of penile sexual anxiety is due to sexual trauma or hidden homosexual feelings, but I think that your case is simply caused by a lack of confidence. So, I won’t say that you’re the product of a touchy uncle or a closet lezzy off the cuff. Instead, here are some helpful tips that may help you come closer to the male genitalia.

I think it would be best to start your oral adventure by reading an excerpt from a recent article I wrote called the “NoOrgasm Series”. In this article, I stated,

“When someone tells me that they don’t like performing oral sex, I usually attribute it to a lack of confidence in their performance skills. There’s nothing wrong with learning the ropes through experimentation. What I said regarding the importance of communication applies outside and inside the bedroom. Ask your partner/s what they like, I’m sure they’d gladly help you out. Don’t think that you’re innately meant to be a sexual encyclopedia. Once you begin to learn from your partner/s advice, you’ll begin to build a library of techniques, and in turn, gain confidence.”
Playing with someone else’s genitals may not always be the most appealing activity, but sometimes people will do just about anything to keep the other person happy. Remember, he may be apprehensive about what you’re hiding in between your legs too--not to make you feel more self-conscious than you already are. If he can handle the bear trap/bearded clam in your pants, you should be able to handle the one-eyed trouser snake in his.

Becoming confident in matters of the bedroom takes experience. You should probably attempt a blowjob on someone that you have feelings for and have established a healthy comfort level with (ideally a consistent partner). Just keep in mind, you’re not meant to be a pro you’re very first time. After all, you’re still an oral virgin. Every person is different; you may be able to get one person off with a sexy mouthful smile and a wink of the eye, whereas another person may give you lockjaw.

Hop in bed with someone you feel comfortable, and let him guide you. If you sneeze or gag and throw up, then at least the person will be less likely to judge you. Heck, if he helps you clean up then you know he’s a keeper. Don't forget, even the best porn stars had to start somewhere before hitting the big leagues.

Love,

Joey

Man-ifest Destiny

Joey,

I dated a girl for about 2 years. After awhile I fell out of the relationship and broke it off with her. It was a little messy. We stopped speaking for a few months and I started realizing what I had given away. So I called and let her know how I felt and knew I would have to work on it. She was hesitant at first then receptive since she never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. So we were getting back into things sex and the whole 9, a few weeks pass and things are going smoothly. Her birthday comes we spend the night together with friends have some great sex. She drops me off the next morning I call her in the afternoon to wish her a good evening as she was returning to school and a guy picks up and tells me Im pathetic and stop talking to his girl. I told him she blew me last night so enjoy the taste of my dick. Needless to say I didn't want anything to do with her and she didnt acknowledge anything for a week. She finally gets back to me apologizes 1 million times wants me back everything. I told her I was moving West from the East Coast, which her deceit helped me to decide, she cries, etc. I move West, she finds a job and follows a few months later, and wants to work things out. Does she deserve the chance? She broke my heart though.

Blumpkin


Dear Blumpkin,

I usually steer away from general yet heavy questions, but I've decided to give your general question a general answer. The reason for this is that, I simply don't know enough details about the type of love you had with this women and the amount of worth this love has to you. What I will do, is give you the tools to view the situation clearly.

Many times, when faced with a dilemma like this, the best thing to do is to remove your emotions and think logically (as us men do best), and to strip the situation down without letting your heart overwhelm your smarts.

If you do look at the situation in this way, you basically have two simple options: give her another chance (because mistakes aside, you want her and she wants you) or open yourself up to the infinite world of women around you. Here is the major dilemma....

If you do decide to pass off this woman who broke your heart, you may not be able to get her back. If you never get her back, you may wonder what could have been for a long while. Maybe give her another chance, as she gave you after the messy break up. The only thing it would hurt is your pride, and who knows, she may tend to your broken heart the second time around.
It sounds to me that something special was had. You’ve already made the “mistake” of leaving her once. If it doesn't work out, then on to the next lover. Life is short, look at your options as they are and don't ruminate too much. Plus, it could be destiny… just kidding (or am I?).
Love,

Joey

Like a Tiny Violin

Dear Joey,

Very recently I was told by a female that sucking nipples does nothing for them. From what I had understood from previous encounters, friends, and from other places was that the nipple is sensitive to touch. Is this correct or no?
love,

blue balls

Dear Blue Balls,

I wouldn’t listen to anything this particular female has to say. As a matter of fact, I’d send her a link to this article, then verbally smack her in her insensitive breasticles.

On to the good stuff. Some experts say that the nipples and breasts are one of the hottest erogenous zones, second only to the genitalia. Nipples can also be a lot of fun for both partners, especially if you have “restless hand syndrome,” like myself. Although playing with them may be entertaining and a good way to pass time, not everyone enjoys a tiny nipple violin concert.

Just like in most things foreplay, everyone is unique. For some, a flick of the nipple may cause them to do the “cream-the-pants dance,” for others, a look of boredom. In a study conducted by Levin & Meston (2006), 301 sexually-experienced undergraduate university students (148 men; 153 women) were surveyed regarding nipple/breast sensitivity and arousal. Results showed that 82% of women and 52% of men found breast/nipple manipulation to cause or enhance their sexual arousal (take that, assumptive female friend).

Another variable that may decrease nipple sensitivity is how far along a female is in her menstrual cycle. According to Columbia University’s “Go Ask Alice,” the nipples are less sensitive during the first two weeks of the menstrual cycle, heightened in sensitivity during ovulation, and less sensative again during menstruation. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should ask your partner how far along they are in their cycle, but don’t be afraid to test the waters manually or orally.
In short, a majority of men and women find nip-play arousing, meaning, go into the game with guns slinging for the chest. If there’s not much of a reaction, move your emphasis to other erogenous zones.
Love,

Joey



References:

Go Ask Alice! http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/6080.html

Levin, R., Meston, C. (2006). Nipple/breast stimulation and sexual arousal in young men and women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 3(3), 450-454.

Selling the Cow

Josef,

So I need third party male advice on a situation. I was dating a guy
for 9 months and things were fairly serious, he even asked me to move
with him. The sex was amazingggg to say the very least. He was into
anal, which I wasn't as much but would every now and then to keep him
happy. But other than that we were very much on the same page about
what we liked, the rough the better. And I was also very good to him
about surprising him with fantasies and a costumes every now and then
and holidays. However, like most relationships it eventually come to
an end for no real reason that he could explain and was pretty abrupt.
I stopped talking to him for a few weeks then booty called him when I
was drinking a few weeks later. Since then we have been hooking up
almost every time i become intoxicated. And some how the sex managed
to get even better now that we are broken up. It's hard though because
I obviously still have strong feelings for me and he says he does too,
just can't handle a relationship now. As much pain and relapse seeing
him gives me, I think it's almost worth it because the sex is amazing
and its better then going home with a random from the bar. But i also
don't want my ex to see me as just a vagina he can have whenever he
wants, because "why buy the cow when the milk is free". But i also
think that if i keep hooking up with him I at least know he isn't
sleeping with anyone else (or so he tells me), and i also think maybe
there will be a chance he will realize what he lost. So should I keep
seeing him or let the past be the past?
Thanks,
The Anal Astronaut


Dear Anal Astronaut,

Ex-lovers are always a hump to get over. If there’s “love” involved, things will most likely get messy. Brace yourself for a “messy” answer.

Did you ever stop to think of giving him sex as your subconscious way of keeping him in your life? Kick the habit and move on. To tell you the truth, I think you put it best with, "why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Keeping things you can't have around is never healthy. If he wants you he'll be there and he'll be ready to commit...UNLESS you enjoy the booty calls. If that is the case, then fine. The sex has become better because it's more invigorating when there's some kind of guilt involved. Either that, or one of you has learned some new moves.

Also, sex does tend to be better with someone you trust and are familiar with. Keep in mind that when good sex is involved, so is attachment, whether you like it or not.

In conclusion, cut things off and move on. I know it may not be the easiest thing to do, it’s not worth hurting yourself by ruminating on the past. This doesn’t mean throw away all of your old loving memories, it simply means distance yourself so you can regain independence and reassemble yourself. Also remember, the best way to get over an old fling is with a new one (this doesn’t mean to engage in risky one night stands/ “slut it up”). Never forget, there’s always better out there, and therefore, always hope.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re a good fisherwoman… steer your boat away from the old and let the fishing hooks fly.
Love,

Joey

New Contact Procedure

Hello Readers,
I'm happy to announce that you can now send in your questions through the contact button the right-hand side. This new "contact" button should make life easier for all of us. Instead of creating anonymous e-mail accounts you can now simply send in questions with anonymous user names through the site itself. I look forward to your questions!
Love,
Joey

Demeaning Kink 101

Dear Joey,

I recently started seeing a man who is quite a bit older than me but very fun to be around and seems very interested in me as well. We just slept together for the first time and it was as if a switch was flipped. I know that guys can sometimes be aggressive but he was almost demeaning. Beyond his extreme dirty talk of pure insults, he spit on my face in them middle of sex and then tried to convince me to try an act that I do not enjoy doing.

At first I thought he just purely didn't care for me and I felt a bit used, but after, he wanted to cuddle and spend the whole night together. When I told him that I did not approve of being spit on he simply replied that I must be too young and in time I'll like it.

I know that everyone has their fetishes and I try to keep an open mind, but at what point is it just not worth trying to communicate anymore? When is it okay to call someone's kinks just rude behaviour?

- Kinkless

Dear Kinkless,

It sounds to me like you've got a stage 3 spitter on your hands. You've just been enrolled in demeaning kink 101, a "dirty whore" here, a slap and a spit in the face there, maybe a bruise or two in the morning.

The lover you speak of is showing his true colors including all of his freaky twists on the first “sexing.” Showing these sexual behaviors so soon is odd. Most people with sexual habits that “go against the grain” are self conscious and show their true likings later. This could either mean that he’s very confident in the fact that you’ll accept him no matter what he does in bed, or that he doesn’t care about what you think of him or his spitting. All signs point to confidence since he didn’t hesitate to add, “you must be too young, and in time you’ll like it.” If this guy knows anything about human beings, he’d understand that everyone is unique. If you go around doing the same sexy-time routine to every partner, you must get a high success rate. It is absolutely impossible that every girl enjoys this kind of demeaning treatment in the bed, and therefore this guy is over-cocky and assumptive. Both partners are entitled to an equal opinion in the bed. Without this equality, things are bound to go awry both in bed and out.

I suggest that you abstain from communicating to someone that their kinky pleasures are rude. To you they may be rude behaviors, but to others they may be the best route to climax. Unless the behaviors are abusive or are considered paraphilia, they’re not to be judged as abnormal but as another form of sexual expression. But… as I said before, both people should be onboard (otherwise this behavior should be considered abusive) before engaging in these behaviors, or else things may just become AWKWARD!

I’m sorry to say that the fact that he blew off your expression of dislike towards his sexual fancies is not a good sign. Simply put, if you’re not into the whole demeaning being dominated bed-rocking, then let him know. If he doesn’t respect that then he may not be a great candidate for future sexual escapades. Just because he cuddles you afterwards, doesn’t mean he’s a great guy. I’d rather spoon my pillow than have someone take a squat on my dignity.

Love,

Joey

Rule Him With A Rubber Fist!

Josef,

I am a highly sexually charged person. I am re-married to a man 9 years younger than me. You'd think that he'd try anything. But, he is very "conservative." He likes the normal stuff… different positions, sometimes anal.. but you know.. just normal sex. Sex with him is not bad but it could be a whole lot better if we incorporate more stuff. It took months before I got him to use sex toys on me. (And, we don't do that often.) There is this one thing, not outrageous, I wanted done to me during sex and he just has a hang up doing it. He doesn't want it done to him. That is fine. But, I want it done to me and he just won't. It has gotten to a point that his hangups bother me. I am sexually adventurous and married to a nice guy who has hangups doing certain things in bed. Do I let him know how important this is to me, but how? Or, do I just have to accept that being married to him, I have to forget about some of my sexual needs.

Thanks,

Magdalena


Magdalena,

Playing out both partners’ desires is a very important part of a healthy relationship. Researcher Deborah Tolman once ascertained that “Sexual desire provides us with potent information, an embodied compass, about ourselves and our relationships.” Sexual desire is in our nature, and if not acted on, can be detrimental to a relationship. As they say in… my book of sayings, “if you don’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will.”

I understand that you value this sexual act, and like anything else in a relationship, if it’s of that much importance to you, it should be listened to compassionately and with an open mind. With that said, as long as the act doesn’t require his arousal and he’s not morally against the act, I don’t see the trouble. The only problem that I can see is that you’re not expressing to your partner how much this act means to you. If the partner truly loves you, which it seems like he does, he’d do anything to make you happy. And as you’ve expressed, this mysterious sex act is majorly desired and is key to your sexual fulfillment.

A very important part of helping him understand how you feel is how you communicate this desire. Men become very sensitive when women talk sex. It seems to me that men are only sexually adventurous when they’re the ones proposing an idea, but as soon as a woman proposes something outside of the man’s sexual sphere the female is looked down upon for having these desires (unless it’s an FFM threesome). Now, to get him to be more open-minded in general, you need to gradually wear him down. In the words of Dane Cook, you need to “Brain Ninja” him. To expand his horizons you‘ll need to break down what you want done and expose him to it little by little. For example, some don’t enjoy performing cunnilingus (eating pussy, muff diving, having a boxed lunch, carpet munching, etc…) but once exposed using other activities around the area (e.g. kissing the inner thigh), there’s a good chance he’ll go down on you. One must remember, men have an exterior image that they want to present, an image of machismo and pride. When a woman begins to think above and beyond their sexual capacity… well, they simply get “butt hurt.”

Magdalena, just make sure to emphasize how much this desire means to you and I’m sure things will end up fine. If he truly wants to make you happy, then he’ll do just about anything… even if it means doing something sexual with a metal pole (preferably cold), deli meat, and the neighbor’s dog. I wish you a pleasurable time and hope that no surprise trips to the ER come from this.

Love,

Joey

Reference: Tolman, D.L. (2000). Object Lessons: Romance, Violation, and Female Adolescent Desire. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 70-79.

The NoOrgasm Series: Part IV

Dear Joey,

I've also been told t try anal (but only my guys of course) and the guy that did tell me to do it also told me that his girlfriend went to the bathroom differently after. I'm just really nervous. I hear all these things about how only slutty girls have anal or you have to be in a committed relationship to have it. I'm just so lost. I guess I just want to know if you got any tricks for the bedroom? I'm also not very into oral sex. Not because I'm prudish but because I'm nervous I'm bad at it. I try watching porn for ideas but I don't know if I can trust porn because, well, it's porn! Any tips there?
Thanks,

NoOrgasm Here

NoOrgasm Here,

When someone tells me that they don’t like performing oral sex, I usually attribute it to a lack of confidence in their performance skills. There’s nothing wrong with learning the ropes through experimentation. What I said regarding the importance of communication applies outside and inside the bedroom. Ask your partner/s what they like, I’m sure they’d gladly help you out. Don’t think that you’re innately meant to be a sexual encyclopedia. Once you begin to learn from your partner/s advice, you’ll begin to build a library of techniques, and in turn, gain confidence.

Porn is simply a reflection of the fantasies of the modern man, or even woman (although many feminists tend to disagree). As society creates porn, porn also forms societal views. All things in porn are already being done in society, but aren't quite considered "normal." As I said before, don't let social stigmas bog you down, because if you do... well, you'll just get really good at missionary position. Gradually, sex is becoming more and more palpable to the public, and therefore, these acts are slowly becoming more acceptable. Anyway, most guys masturbate to porn, so there’s nothing wrong with watching it to pick up some moves.
As for anal sex, the same advice goes. Don’t let what other people think hold you back. If this is what you’d like to try, who’s to stop you, just make sure to read up on how to have safe anal sex before making an attempt. Anal sex can be a very intense and pleasurable experience for both partners. For this reason, I propose that it should be kept between you and someone you trust (I’ll let you define that).

In the bedroom, it simply seems to me that you put too much weight on societal values. Attempt to lose views which have been implanted and learn things for yourself. Don’t miss out on something (that may end up giving you an award-winning orgasm) just because someone, once upon a time, told you it’s wrong. Now, go and explore with your new-found knowledge!
Love,

Joey

The NoOrgasm Series: Part III

Now, on to the other stuff. I'm not very sexually experienced. Don't get me wrong I've had sex but I don't orgasm. I like when I first start off having sex but then it's like I get tired or bored and I'm just not into it anymore.

On to the good stuff…. NoOrgasm, personally, I find the fact that you deemed the other half of your questions as "inappropriate," to be inappropriate. In the world of sex, nothing's inappropriate (correction, except for paraphilias). The worst place to fear what others think of you is in the bedroom! In my opinion, it's usually the people who shun these activities that want them most... except for maybe grandparents. Sorry about the image, but anyway...
In regard to your lack of "orgasm skills", the best piece of advice I could give is to MASTURBATE. How is your partner supposed to know what gets you off when you don't know yourself?

As for boredom in the bedroom, maybe try to extend foreplay. Figure out some techniques that he/she can do that will peak your arousal before engaging in intercourse. These techniques can range from simple kissing of the erogenous zones to… well, to other things. If you’re not very turned on, I can imagine sex becoming a bore.
Love,

Joey

The NoOrgasm Series: Part II

Joey,

My friends keep telling me to get a toy for myself but I also hear that doing that can ruin sex for a girl (not that it can get much worse for me).

NoOrgasm Here

A sex toy is fine to use. Although i'm no medical doctor, I do know that vibrators do not cause desensitization of the clitorous or vagina. In fact, they may even improve the quality of an orgasm. Hell, a big vibrating dong may even give you your first orgasm. They're also great for adding spice to a boring sexual routine. The only damage I can think of that's caused by a sex toy is not to your vagina or anus, but to your partners ego. If your partner reacts to the idea with a whiny voice, just repeat the words of Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principals of Total Body Sex, "even the best carpenters use power tools."
Love,

Joey

The NoOrgasm Series: Part I

Hi Joey,

I have a few questions. Some of them are typical girly questions and others are kind of inappropriate. I hope you don't mind. I guess I should get the boring stuff out of the way first. So, as every girl's sentence starts off, there's this guy. We've been friends for a long time and we dated for a bit awhile back. Then came summertime and we mutually called it quits, not really sure why. But he ended up moving on fairly easily to a long-term girlfriend while I couldn't seem to find anyone I thought was worthy (not too sound cocky). Everything comes back to this guy for me and I'm starting to think it's stupid and pathetic on my part. He and his girlfriend broke up and we talk all the time and have hooked up once since. When we talk it's awesome but more times than not I get the feeling it's one way in the romantic sense. I'm at school in LA and he's in school like 6 hours away. Do you think it's unhealthy for me to be pining over this guy? There's no way I can tell him that I still like him because I feel pretty pathetic thinking it in my head; there's no way I can say it to him.

Dearest NoOrgasm,

First off, there's no such thing as a "girl question." Guys ask questions like this... they just might not write into an advice column about it because of their social schema.

The best and most simple response I could give you is exactly what you don't want to hear. You need to communicate! Tell him how you feel, but have fun with it. It doesn't have to be through a text message or by popping out naked from a birthday cake, but it should still be communicated somehow. If you're hesitant about telling him how you feel now, what makes you think that you’ll be able to communicate if you do get together? I cannot stress enough how vital communication is to a relationship. As for the unhealthiness of your ruminating, the only problems I see is that you’re basically putting yourself in limbo. Who wants to sit in a waiting room for a long period of time? I know I don’t. Worse comes to worse, the feelings won’t be mutual and you’ll find some closure. If things do work out, then you have yourself a prized relationship. Just remember, time won’t stand still and wait for you to gather the guts to talk to him about how you feel. So let go of you inhibitions because there’s nothing wrong with a female sparking the match to a relationship. Also, just because you’re working things out with this one person doesn’t mean you can’t look for other experiences or relationships. Keep yourself open.
Love,
Joey

All the Single Ladies (and Skeezy Ball Females Too), Listen Up!

Joey,

I'm the kind of female that really enjoys courting and getting to know the men that I'm dating before the sex factor creeps in. However it seems like nowadays, sex has become a prerequisite for the 2nd or 3rd date. I've read that deep within their subconscious, "honorable" men really do respect a female who makes them work for "it". So I'm just wondering, do guys really respect a female that tastefully (not teasefully) withholds sex during the "getting to know you," "courting" phase of dating, or do they simply come to resent them? Why is the sex factor now dominating whether there's going be a next step in a relationship instead of the other more important factors? Help.

Kat

Dearest Kat,

Here is my reply: not only to you, but to the other dozen of women who have asked me “how long do I withhold sex?” First of all, when speaking of sex, please don’t make it sound like a commodity. Yes, you can give and withhold it, control it, and in turn, feel like you have control over your potential partner. But is it right to withhold it without expecting a reaction of disappointment?

Before discussing sex, please let me define the word first. Sex has MULTIPLE meanings. It can range from actual penetration to harmless rubbing up against strangers on a bus until orgasm. For me, sex usually involves orgasm.

I understand that it’s hard to draw the line between tastefully withholding sex and raunchily giving it up. Don't hand out sex as if you're a Pez dispenser.

Whatever you do ladies, do not lead him on! If you don’t want to get sexual, don’t put yourself in a situation where sex is expected. Meaning, going into a bedroom with him alone, basically translates into “I want trouble… the good kind.” If you just want to make out, keep it outside of the bedroom! I understand that you just want to cuddle, but simply put, cuddling is the product of an orgasm. You give, and you shall receive.

Just like the extinct Barbary Lion of North Africa, guys enjoy the chase. But after a certain amount of over exertion, they just give up and masturbate instead. An example of when someone will wait for sex is when you’re his/her first love. This, of course, means penis-vaginal intercourse. A man walking around with a loaded gun is just unsafe, and is also more likely to run away from you when turned down, or to get desperate and say/do stupid things to get his way. Remember that you can have sex without intercourse.

Listen up… withhold sex as long as you feel is suitable, but don’t keep him/her waiting for the sake of waiting. Remember, it takes two to tango and if the guy gets discouraged he may not come back. If the chemistry is there, and not alcohol induced, and the intended lover has proven themselves to be somewhat of a love interest, then go for it! Let your inhibitions go and have a good time.

In conclusion, every situation is different and should be tailored to the individual partner. I can’t give you a definite answer, but there are basic rules that you probably should follow in order to keep the guy on the hook (i.e. keeping it out of the bedroom). Follow my advice and all will be well.
Love,

Joey

Crackin' Wise and Breakin' Flys

Dearest Josef,

I feel like I have had the worst experience with guys…and I am not sure if this is my or their fault. After all I have been thru I just can’t trust them …….three weeks ago I met this guy at my friends place. he seemed to be really nice and we exchanged numbers. The next day he called me and invited me and my friends to his place for movies. We talked a lot and had fun and the next day he asked me to come over again. I went home and two days later I saw him at a party (during this time he called and messaged me every day). At the party he changed totally, he called me out he said that I am prude and if I have ever seen a dick? I just ignored him and talked to other guys. Two days later he called me and said that he was sorry and he didn’t mean to hurt me, he was just trying to provoke me and was hoping for another reaction. So everything was fine … kind of… then we met at another party we danced together and end up being at my friend’s place we kissed and made out till he opened up his pants and asked me for a blowjob. I walked away from him and he followed me into the living room where my friends were and complained in front of them that I am so boring that I didn’t even want to give him head. Since I broke up with my ex there is not much more you need to say to hurt my feelings and obviously I started to cry. One hour later he called to say he is sorry but I said I don’t want to talk with him anymore. Since then he has not even called messaged or whatever but I know I will see him a lot since we have the same friends. So here are my questions:
Is it so wrong that I want to know a guy better before we get intimate? How should I act around him? Should I contact him?

Bruna

Bruna,

To you, it may not be wrong to want to get to know a guy, but to the guy's agenda it may be. There's something you need to understand about guys, ultimately they want sex. They'll push and push and hurt feelings and break hearts until they get what they want. Sounds to me like this guy doesn't know how to play the game and went for the guilt approach to getting ass. The problem is, he's not subtle and chose to embarass you. Therefore, you should have kicked him to the curb as soon as he started the whole public embarrassment sitch. The important thing is, that you need to communicate to jerks like this, "You're not getting you know what until I know you first." You don't exactly have to say it in these words. Actually, it would probably be preferable to sugar coat it with feminine mystery and false naiveté. But as soon as he starts embarrassing you in public, he is degrading you and is essentially trying to make you feel bad for not whoring yourself.

It is absolutely fine to want to get to know a guy before getting intimate. Actually, it’s preferable and safer. Believe it or not, getting to know someone may add to the intimacy and pleasure of sex.

Personally, I don’t think things will be awkward between the two of you. He knows he made a mistake, and you now know that he’s not the kind of person you’re looking for. The fact that he embarrassed you twice in front of a group of people in regards to something very personal, means that he won’t hesitate to embarrass you about something else. Behaviors like this usually overlap into other social situations.

Normally, I would say it’s completely fine to contact a guy. But it seems to me that this guy is a walking bag o’ tools and doesn’t deserve whatever you have to offer.
Love,

~Joey

Long Distance Relationships~The Good, The Bad, and The UGLY

Dear Josef,
My boyfriend is moving away for an unknown amount of time. I just wanted to know if you thought a long distance relationship would be a good idea. I really love him and would like to put the time and effort into giving it a try.
Please Help!
Honeygurl


Honeygurl,
Normally, I would say that there are a lot of other variables (time, distance) that need to be taken into account, but since I don't know too much about you and your partner personally I can't give you a customized answer. What I can do is give you my shpiel on long distance relationships in general. Brace yourself.

When it comes to long distance relationships I simply throw my hands in the air. It takes a certain type of person to be able to withstand the hardships that come along with long distance relationships and to find two of them together is like finding a man that would gladly pluck your eyebrows with a thread... straighten your hair... give you a French manicure... and isn't gay. It's just a rare breed.

Long distance relationships are a whole different beast. Things start off just fine with "I miss you" and "can't wait to see you" and "how was your day?" But they soon take a turn for the worse because there's only so many times you can say things like "I miss you" over and over again without some sort of new romantic stimulation aside from the cold plastic of the phone on your cheek. When there's nothing left to say and people want to re-spark their long distance relationship, they do one of two things:

A. Phone Sex/Webcam sex

B. FIGHT

First it's usually the electro-sex, then comes the fighting. Sadly, the fighting is usually out of sheer boredom and it hurts. When two people have an argument in a closed distance relationship they can usually find a resolution between the sheets. The best way to end a good fight is with a good fuck. Whereas, in a long distance relationship, all of the pent up aggression and stress has no outlet. If you’re anything like me, this usually leads to a search for another outlet, masturbation. And there’s only so much that someone can masturbate without befriending a tub of ice cream then drowning themselves in it.

Another issue with long distance relationship is mistrust. A lack of trust in your partner, as well as a lack of trust in yourself. Suspicion usually arises at some point when your partner doesn't pick up the phone, or the call goes straight to voicemail. Also, just because you're in a relationship, attractive people don't dissappear, and the temptation will be even greater when your partner's away. It is stereotyped that woman take longer to get lonely than a man, but it really depends on the individual. Instinctively, after being in a relationship for a long amount of time, you’ll be over-conditioned with cuddly nights. Suddenly, when you're all alone and faced with no outlet but the phone, the heart goes into shock and you end up cuddling/spooning your pillow or bringing someone else home.

When you get into this type of relationship you are taking these risks.

Honeygurl, I have introduced you to the dark side of long distance relationships… now for the lighter side. Although things may get tough between you and your partner and challenges may arise, there may still be hope. To paraphrase Nietzsche, what doesn’t break your relationship will only make it stronger. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you can get to it without the tunnel collapsing on you first. In other words, if things remain stable while your partner is away and eventually the two of you do end up in the same location, your relationship will be stronger than ever. All of the “I miss you’s” and “wish you were here’s” will have been worth it and will come to a conclusion with a joyous reunion. If you can withstand being apart for a prolonged amount of time and still keep the flame alive and strong, then I congratulate and solute you.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck.
Love,
~Joey

Anywhere You Go, I'll Follow... or Not

Hi Josef,
I just saw your blog and just had a question about relationships. I have been seeing this amazing man for about a year and he just moved to the States suddenly for a job. We still really like each other but neither of us wants to do long distance. On top of that he is about 7 years older than me and I don't know how big of an issue that is. I dont have many people to talk about this with and I just wanted to know your opinion.
Thanks so much,

BeachBabe

Dearest BeachBabe,
The only answer that I can think of (without a long distance relationship) is that one of you has to make a major life decision, meaning, one of you has to follow the other to keep the relationship alive. It’s either that or say goodbye and hope that you’re destined to be together and that you’ll find one another again some day.

Sadly, things don’t usually work that way. It’s either one of you risks their comfy life for the other or things may have to come to an end. It’s hard to say if it’s worth following your partner. A year, in my opinion, is not long enough of a relationship to throw away your own goals and security to chase someone else’s dreams. One can even say, if he is so in love with you, why doesn’t he find a job closer to you? In basic and harsher terms, his own goals are more important than your relationship… which is understandable. A year long relationship is a relatively short amount of time to say “hey, I’m gonna put aside my dreams and ambitions for this person.” This goes for both of you, whether he decides to stay or you decide to make the move.

Your situation is a tough one because a year is a short amount of time to distinguish what the relationship is worth. You also mentioned an age difference so there may be a difference in age-oriented agenda. I also don’t know enough detail about your relationship or your lifestyles. What I do know is that IF the relationship is important enough, then one of you will make the sacrifice/adjustment to be with the other.
Love,
~Joey

Welcome

Hello, and welcome to my blog. The purpose of this blog is to answer any questions you, the readers, may have regarding relationships and sexuality. Readers may feel free to send in questions to my e-mail: josef.assouline@gmail.com
Questions will be answered as objectively as possible.
Along with your question, please give yourself a NICKNAME so that all those who decide to send in their questions will remain anonymous.
Love,
Joey